DECEMBRE 2022 - JANVIER 2023

DEC 22

Les autres ne peuvent te faire voir que ce que tu portes déjà en toi.

Ce matin, froid Sibérien, mais temps sec. Quand j’arrive au travail, l'étendue d’eau est gelée, et une fine pellicule blanche recouvre tout. J’ai froid mais je me sens bien. Mon coeur me tient chaud. Je sens les ténèbres m’envelopper mais aussi la lumière qui commence à briller. Je fais toujours partie de cet oxymore dans lequel les contraires se superposent. Tout est là en permanence, en simultané. Et je sens que ce n’est pas une altération de la vérité, mais la vérité même dans son état le plus pur. 

Il faut croire qu’il est capital que je sois seule, garder mon énergie intacte, tellement le bouclier de mes anges autour de moi est puissant et fait barrage. Et à chaque fois, l’énergie déployée pour ramasser tous les fragments de moi-même éparpillés.

Brûlée vive sur le bûcher tout ce que je ressens c’est l’amour

I’m so sick of games

I wanna scratch your mask

With my claws

Damage it so bad

You can never wear it again

I wanna tear off your clothes

So you can’t hide

So let’s stop fighting it. This is my truth. My home is made out of bones, painted with blood and tears are hanging from the ceiling. The windows are shut with black curtains that block all the light, it is night outside anyway. 

It helped me realize I don’t want to flee pain. I don’t want to pretend it’s easy to forget, that I can just look the other way. I just need to grieve. I need to stay in the dark, silent. Not even making music for a while. There is nothing to say any more. It is a lot to process and I have to deal with it NOW. No one will save me. I need to rest and take care of myself. He was only here so I could break up with A. 

It’s time for a new vision board. Last year I wrote ICE QUEEN on it, and it is exactly how I feel now, although at the time it didn’t make sense at all. I’m the queen of despair, the queen of shadows, the queen of pain, and suffering. THE QUEEN OF DARKNESS. 

You give me darkness

I’ll make it mine

I’ll make it my home in no time

You give me cold

I’ll make it mine 

And I’ll build a strong castle 

Out of all this ice

You give me suffering 

I’ll make it mine

And I’ll put pearl garlands 

Made out of all the tears I shed 

Now turned into light

You give me loneliness

I’ll make it mine 

And invite all the lonely souls

To feast with me tonight

There is no place to hide

Nothing can ease the pain

No short cut out of the desert

No one will come to save you

You have to feel the pain

Knowing there is nothing you can do 

to speed up the process

Feeling the tied on your wrists and ankles

Forcing you to stay silent

Motionless

Head near the ground 

Feet above

World upside down

It’s been a long time now since I first took off my armor

And it’s been a long time now since I let my weapons fall on the floor

And I would do it again and again 

I surrender now more than ever

And I open my heart now even more

Now that you cut it open

And it’s bleeding all over

Cause blood is an offering 

and pain is a reminder

That what the world needs most now

More than ever

is LOVE

This is a journey I can only take alone. 

Diving inside myself, 

the deepest possible, 

to access the final truth, 

to shred the last layers of shame, guilt and fear, 

to face the deepest shadows 

and turn it into light. 

I feel so much love inside of me right now. It’s insane. It’s burning in my chest. It’s like my love for him has been released and turned into something greater. The energy shifted, and instead of lingering, poisoning, stagnating, it is processing, going out, reaching something higher, vibrating, glistening. 

31/12/22

Bilan de l'année : Être transportée par des vagues immenses, me faire absorber par mes abysses et rejetée lourdement et avec fracas sur la terre ferme. Mais là, à cet instant précis où j’écris, un truc renaît. Parce que je vois tout ce que j’ai accompli avec ma musique, mais surtout en terme de développement personnel. Malgré la douleur mon cœur est grand ouvert, j’aime les gens et je veux aller vers eux.  L’espoir n’est pas mort. SL n’a jamais brûlé aussi fort, prête à assurer son rôle de phare dans la nuit, pour ramener en sécurité sur le rivage. Je me dis que là je traverse une accumulation de challenges, parce que j’étais prête à encaisser et à aller plus haut. Il fallait me délester de certains poids. Je dois me connecter à l’infinité des possibles. Le reste n’est qu’une illusion. La vie est pure lumière. Même en plein cœur des ténèbres, et ceux qui n’ont jamais osé affronter leur part d’ombre et plonger au cœur d'eux- mêmes ne le sauront jamais. 

Ce soir j’ai envie de te dire MERCI car je sais que le calme suivra la tempête. Je vais y arriver. APPART. VOITURE. DIVORCE. Ce sont mes trois priorités du début de l’année. Je suis prête à m’assumer. Quelque chose bouge, je commence à ressentir et à entendre les anges autour de moi et ça fait un bien fou. Comme le dit Elodie, on rencontrera plein d’autres gens cool et cet amour inexplicable on pourra toujours le donner, le rediriger vers notre art. 

NEVER FORGET, THE TRUTH IS : THE UNIVERSE IS MADE OF ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES + LOVE WILL ALWAYS PREVAIL.

JAN 23

Je suis sur mon chemin, je ne l’ai jamais quitté. Tout au fond de mes abysses il y avait des petits rails et je n’ai jamais dévié. Je sais que tout ce qu’on m’enlève ne faisait pas partie du chemin, et que l’univers m’apporte toujours ce dont j’ai besoin. Même si je ne comprends pas encore tout. C’est normal que ça fasse mal. Je suis en pleine transformation. 

Je vais m’asseoir avec ma peine, la prendre dans mes bras et la laisser m’envahir. C’est elle qui décidera quand me quitter. Elle veut juste me faire comprendre certaines choses.

I want my OWN LIFE, my own flat, my own rules, MY energy, MY SELF.

Magic is happening even when we feel stuck.

The worst thing that can happen to you is forgetting who you are. Letting fear constantly control you, stopping you from doing the things you want, Always going opposite direction with what your heart wants. 

I’m attracting the perfect flat for me as we speak. In the center of Lille, fair price, charming little space. Perfect for soaring as the highest version of myself, perfect to love, to write great songs and feel nurtured, protected, safe and warm. Et trouver quelqu’un qui mette zéro barrière à mon énergie, à qui je suis, ma nature, ce qui veut sortir de moi. 

How do you wanna feel ? 

I’m really feeling I’m strengthening my faith in the universe. It goes along with learning to let go. Funny how it was the first sentence I put in my last diary. On the front page. And closing the notebook is like closing up a chapter and moving on.

Walking towards the metro station this morning I saw myself emerging from deep dark waters, taking big breaths, after being underwater for so long. It felt so good. My shoulders just dropped the heavy load they've been carrying and I know everything will be ok. I’m looking at everything with a higher perspective. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. I SEE WHAT YOU DID. IT MAKES SENSE NOW AND I FEEL BACK ON TRACK, BACK TO MY NORMAL SELF. IN CONTROL. 

I tell my guides and angels “I don't know what to do”, and they answer “There is nothing to do”.

The pain from the past few months makes me understand and feel human, more than ever, part of the tribe, connected. My suffering connects me to LOVE. Beautiful flawed and messy human love. 

Don’t listen to heavy blind serious people. They know shit. Most of the time they mean well but they know shit. They are trapped in their own fears, into their own inextricable problems and dilemmas they can’t face directly, so they hide, and they end up blocked behind the fences that belong to them in the first place but they won’t put them down because they grew to see it as an armor, as some kind of protection. It takes so much guts to get rid of something you don’t want, not knowing what you’ll get instead. Sometimes knowing your misery is a kind of control. Freedom is not for everybody. 

It is not about how you begin this year, it is about how you will finish it. 

It feels good to experience myself with unfiltered free flowing energy, not derived by someone. I want freedom, independance, to find an apartment and build a nice comfy creative free life for myself. Not going away from A but going TO MYSELF. CHOOSIN MYSELF. Building something meaningful FOR MYSELF.

There is so much to enjoy right now, even in the midst of the fucking terrifying storm.

When I broke my ankle people couldn’t see how much of a blessing it was. It is the same now : my car breaking down, my marriage falling apart, S rejecting me, O’s problem at school, the earthquake energy, the flat hunt going nowhere... Even I used to think I was cursed or doomed, but what is really happening is that I am giving a clear slate to build on something super fucking beautiful. This is a fucking blessing. And this is what serves THE most in this moment.